Leaving is never easy

I'm leaving for Taiwan very soon

Finally! My passport and my verified documents have arrived. The embassy was a little slow, but I forgive them, since it was Chinese new year. I was a little worried these days, that the mail will take too long and I will have to postpone the departure date and have additional costs as well as waste more time. You would not believe how much more time, money and stress this adventure has cost me so far. I used to go through a lot in the past months, but so has my girlfriend, who I want to thank here for supporting me so much with so many things, it's just impossible to name them all. She's been an angel every day. She's already made a nest for us in Taipei, she only needs this European bird to migrate to the East. And that's soon about to happen. Thank you, sweetheart, I love you to bits.

Every time I went on a big journey to the other side of the world, I felt that the days right before departure were passing the fastest. Maybe that's because I'm conscious of every day now, every hour. I have so many things to take care of, so many people to say goodbye to. I think packing my things and leaving my home here will be very hard. You have to know, I'm an emotional person and I get very attached to people and to an environment, where I feel safe and secure. I know I was living in a bubble for too long. Other people have had great careers in recent years, I on the other side was wandering around the world, exploring the Far East. I was never and nowhere really at home. When I lived in Malaysia and Singapore, I hoped to strike roots for a while, but I had to leave too soon. Same happened last year in Taiwan. I was just getting used to everything, things were starting to get better and better, but then I had to leave. Last year was really the best year of my life. I've seen and done so much and it was totally unexpected. Now I feel a little tired. I feel it's impossible to pull off another 2010. I feel old. At age 30. I miss the days of early twenties, where every experience was so fresh and new, so exciting. It's a big difference when you fly to Asia for the first or for the sixth time. And it's a big difference, if you're 24 or nearly 31. Sure, some people travel more times a year, but for me that 1 time a year was something special, something life-changing, reality-altering, something like flying to the moon and expecting to discover a new part of yourself or to just be someone else, but not by artificially changing or acting, but by finding that adventurous open minded explorer inside you, that finally had the chance to break out of the confines of your suburbia boredom. I loved to be that explorer. But now it seems he's gotten tired. Tired of being released and confined every year. I have to stop leaving. I'm not going to stop traveling, I love it. But I gotta stop leaving the people I love. I hope this is the last time I leave like this. I need a home. And I really hope that for the next years Taipei and she will be the place I can call it one.

I can't describe to you the mix of emotions I'm having these days. Excited about seeing the woman I love, excited to hold her, kiss her, talk with her. I want to see her eat and sleep, walk and smile, I want to hold her hand, tease her, ride the subway with her. She's really my soulmate, I feel so safe around her. Even when we argue, I still love her so much. And then there's that part of me scared of leaving my mum, my sisters, my cats behind. The stupid cats that only annoy me and always run away, when I want to cuddle them a little. Yet, I love them to bits, too. I love everyone here and I love my girlfriend there. I know I want to be there, but part of me will always stay here in this old house and in this boring valley surrounded by forest and with a small creak, that you never hear rippling. I'm Slovenian in and out and we're just not made for big cities. Most of us live close to nature, that's where we feel safe for over 1000 years. Life in Taipei scares me. It's fast, dynamic, it can eat you alive. Especially a foreigner. I know I will have my angel looking over me, I could not survive there without her. She's my lover, my best friend, my guide, my shoulder to cry on, she's my rock, my inspiration, she's everything I ever wanted. I will do the best I can to pay her back every tear and drop of sweat she wasted on me, on us. All I can do is be the best man I can be, the best man I ever was. I have to set the bar higher for myself, I have to surpass my own expectations. Only then I will be able to say "that I made it right", when I'll look back in a year from now.

Frankly, I have no idea what I will write on this blog in February 2012. I'm not sure, if I will be alone and in tears like now or surrounded with laughter and lots of people. I have no idea, if I will be able to survive Taipei's fast-paced reality and meet my own expectations and the expectations of all the people I am about to leave and meet very soon. I worry about finding a decent job, I worry about whether I will be able to learn proper Chinese, I worry about what problems I may face in Taiwan. I'm a very experienced traveler, yeah. But I always left, I always returned to where I was born. But this time it's for real. I'm leaving for real. The stamps on all documents are official and final. I will be able to stay, I will be able to strike roots and live. How all that will be, that's written in the stars. I wish I knew... but then again, better I don't. Whatever will be, will be. I'll try to make the best of it, like I always did. I need to shift my mind away from the melancholic tendencies and back to her. Back to her sweet kiss and warm embrace.

I just want to be happy.