Is it possible to be friends with your ex?
No.
Monday, June 22, 2009
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15 KAFKAESQUE COMMENTS:
It depends. :P
I'm friends with my ex from high school. LOL. But the most recent? HELL NO.
June 22, 2009 7:31 AM
Well, what I meant is friends in the real sense of the word: Someone who you would tell everything, share your most troubling thoughts, hang out with... I can be in good terms with my ex, but a real friendship just won't be possible. Maybe I don't want it, because I know once one of us has a new serious relationship, he/she won't have time to be 'friends' with the ex. So, I just contact her less, don't tell my feelings to her. I know it's superficial, but what can I do? I don't want to get hurt, I'm getting ready for later. Things change. I just don't wanna know about the next guy she dates. I wish her well, but it's hard for me to imagine her with someone new. It's 1 month now, maybe she has someone new already? How can I be sure she doesn't? She's 10.000km away. We dated almost 3 years. I knew we don't have a future, but still... it's not easy to just move on, accept that we're no longer something. She's been part of my life for so long, we talked about marriage, her family loved me (and they still don't know we broke up, because it would crush them). So yea, it's not easy. I am still lost sometimes. I guess like always: Time will heal all wounds. That's my hope.
June 22, 2009 7:42 AM
Agreed. Being friends with the ex-s will only bring back all the heart pain. Time will heal. Everytime she crossed in your mind, breathe, then try to think something else. It's difficult, but life must go on. Wish you can be strong.
June 22, 2009 11:19 AM
Thank you, dear Selvy.
June 22, 2009 5:34 PM
I agree. Women always want to maintain the relationship and still be friends. Maybe their emotions are just built different, but I couldn't remain friends with an ex. It would just keep the wound fresh and it would never heal. You have to have a clean break. You have to separate your life and create a new path for yourself, a new rhythm. Once you get into a new rhythm and you don't think about her all the time anymore, you can move on and try to find someone new. I've never maintained a relationship with an ex.
June 23, 2009 1:02 AM
I disagree that women always want to maintain the relationship and still be friends. Ive never wanted that for myself. It has nothing to do with being bitter but I am always reminded of the reason why we broke up in the first place. It is rare that the reason is something like we have careers to focus on, or it is best for everyone but we still love each other. Most of the time its because the other cheated, they feel you arent good enough and just because. I cant be friends with an ex because the other person broke my heart. It is no different from a good friend betraying you. How can you be friends with someone you dont trust? Just ponder on that. BEsides, I have too many friends already. Having an ex as a friend like having a pair of a-once-favorite-but-now-worn out shoes that dont fit. Throw it away.
June 24, 2009 12:44 AM
@Margee, was that a reply to me or to Brad? :) Anyway, I think mostly it's the 'breaker' who wants to be friends with the 'breakee', probably because of the bad consicence. My break up was more or les consensual, so it's not like someone cheated or that we argued a lot. It just didn't work and we didn't have a satisfying plan for the future. Nevertheless, I think it's hard to maintain a friendship, even if the break up is consensual. Sooner or later one of us will have someone new to whom he/she will give all the time and attantion. I rather prepare myself from the beginning for this. We message now and then, but nothing deep, just the usual Hi, how are you.
June 24, 2009 12:55 AM
@Ninno, honestly ninno, your case is rare. Its seldom that people break up for other reasons than those I mentioned. IN fact youre kinda lucky because she didnt deliberately break your heart. It just seem like an inevitable outcome. HOwever, that does not make the pain any less, especially because it proves that the other person is fantastic since she isnt the kind who would want to truly hurt you...
On a personal note, Ive never entertained the idea of being friends with an ex. Although I have usually let an ex break up because I just couldnt do the breaking. Guys are more fragile than they seem (hehe). It does not give me any satisfaction to trample on such delicate egos. However, later on the truth will still surface because I move on a lot faster than they do. That does not mean I will consider the idea of being friends with them though.
What you said is right. The thought that the other person may see someone else in the future is just unbearable especially if you still have some feelings left. Besides, being friends with an ex makes the "breakee" somehow have some hope that someday the "breaker" will realize the mistake and get back with the "breakee". More often than not, it yields fruitless and more heartbreaking results for the one with the unrequited feelings.
Well this was pretty long. But in a nutshell, it simply means I agree with you. It cannot work. Lovers can be friends but when its over, its just that, done deal. Let go and move on. Life is too short to waste on "what ifs". Its gonna be tough but you'll live. One day youll be happy again..or even happier.
June 24, 2009 1:22 AM
I can only be happier, I guess. I don't wanna dwell on the past, what's done is done. I guess after 1 month, I still have feelings, so I wouldn't wanna know about her love/sex life and I told her not to tell me anything in that regard. Apart from that, I guess I can stay on the level of 'Hi, how are you' text messages, but I doubt it'll be more than that. I allow myself a period of mourn and cleansing, before I go out and meet someone new. I'm in no rush :) Thanx for your long comment.
June 24, 2009 1:35 AM
If you were to have a friendship with an ex, it always has a certain hidden meaning. Whether good/bad.
July 4, 2009 4:28 AM
So I wouldn't be friends with an ex unless it's coming towards "reconciliation" ...
July 4, 2009 4:30 AM
@izzie, well, I agree with you. These things are so hard, yea. Every situation is unique, because every couple is unique. For me it's just hard, cuz you can't just switch off your love, it disappears gradually.
July 4, 2009 4:36 AM
Yeah, I understand :)
Nobody can exactly understand every part of the situation except for the exes themselves.
It is one of the most beautiful but hardest things in life; loving an ex.
July 4, 2009 5:12 AM
@izzie, true. But that love changes thru time. I have fond memories and I wish her all the best in life. We just weren't meant to be. I try to distract myself with this blog actually. I guess it's a way to escape from dealing with the situation. All this pics, ramblings and thoughts... it may only be distraction... it's hard when you plan marriage & family with someone and then you fail....
July 4, 2009 5:21 AM
I know how it feels.. Sometimes you talk a lot about it. Sometimes you just keep it to yourself :) The scars take time to heal..
July 4, 2009 5:23 AM
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