March 11, 2009

I'm hot and I'm cold...

I was thinking how my life's going up and down all the time... I have periods where I feel excited and vigorous and again periods where I feel down, almost depressed. Surprisingly, this usually happens in march. It's start of spring, it's my month of birth and it's time of my very annoying pollen alergy. This alergy disables me. And the anticipation is already troublesome. I never know how hard will I be hit this year. Some years is more, some is less. And this period of time is marked by my return from Malaysia, back home where there's no grandpa anymore. So many things changed! Even our 11 years old cat is gone... Every March my grandpa used to come and start working as a carpenter. Now there's noone coming. Me and mum are cleaning his stuff, his piles of wood and other useless things that he used to keep. It's a whole lot of work. And everytime I open his workroom, I feel uneasy. All his stuff is inside, the tools, the old radio, some clothes. Same as he left them back in december. I still feel his presence and if he's somehow there, I hope he's not angry that i'm using his tools, cleaning his stuff or driving his car. He build up his good name as a carpenter in 30 years of reliable hard work. So many people from the village would praise him even now. The didn't know his hard character, didn't feel his moodswings like we used to do in the past. But even so, I still have huge respect for him and his things. I don't know anyone who would hold on to his things the way he did. He kept things, saved money and was generally very stingy, also with his emotions. I wish I saw him before he died. But I was in Hong Kong. What happened, happened. Now I have to deal with the changes and stop dwelling on the past. But I can't change one thing: The upcoming allergy. I just hope it won't hit me as hard as I fear.


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